I've been feeling a shift in some difficult stuff I went through, recently, and thinking about how long it can take to heal from a deep hurt.
My first nonprofit venture ended really, really badly. I lost a lover, a lot of friends and huge amount of confidence, and felt terribly betrayed by people I'd trusted. I thought I would never recover and the hurt went right to my soul. Lots of ouchy.
This was six years ago.
I remember a housemate of mine telling me it takes seven years to heal a broken heart. If he was right, I'm in the last year of healing from this experience, which feels pretty accurate.
I've moved through the process of forgiveness, letting go, seeing the positive and moving on. All the stuff you need to do, all the stuff that seemed impossible at the start of this journey. I've learnt a great deal about trust, openness and the fact that people aren't always what they seem. I've let go of a lot of bitterness and anger, though there's still some to go, if I'm totally honest.
Of course, this has only been a small part of my life story for the past six years. The rest has been much more interesting, and uplifting, and generally splendid.
My wildest dreams have been very busy blossoming! The things I thought I had lost, I have regained and then some. I sometimes feel a great sorrow that, if those people back then had been what they seemed to be, and believed in the dream we were creating together, they would have been sharing this dream with me right now. I also realise that I'm very, very lucky they aren't!
I have treasured the friends that did stand by me and have forgiven the ones who didn't, understanding that they are no more perfect than I am. I've got over the need for the apologies I will never get.
The last and hardest hurt was that, after being duped by a man who pretended to be spiritual and kind, I withdrew and detached from my own spirituality. Every time I tried meditating, or anything like that, at the back of my mind was the sense that it was all a lie.
That hurt isn't completely healed yet, but it's getting there. The other night, I realised the medicine I need.
I thought I had found a teacher, a genuine person who I could work alongside to do really positive things. What I had, in fact, found was somebody who manipulated people's spiritual awakening for his own ends - money, sex, social status & power.
These 'gurus' are not uncommon and anyone on a spiritual quest is going to encounter one of them, eventually.
The worst legacy they leave is the inability to trust another teacher. To tell the difference between human fallibility and outright deception.
The other night, I realised the answer in one of those flashes of inspiration. The only way to find the teacher I was looking for, is to BECOME that teacher. To become everything that person wasn't. To step into the role of what these charlatans pretend to be, but to do it for real, from my heart & wounded soul.
To become my own idea of a guru - honest and open about my shortcomings and humanity. Diving deep whilst keeping grounded in humour and fun. Being clear on what I need and expect from people. Keeping my promises to those who count on me and, if I mess up, to say sorry. To never, ever betray the trust that is placed in me.
I can see so much healing in that, for me and for those I teach. The thought of it excites me & makes me all glittery and rainbow-y :)
Like most things, it seems this last stage of healing, is an inside job!
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